YOU CAN'T BE FIXED!

And That's Not a Problem: Embracing the Full Spectrum of Human Emotion

Exploring why the pursuit of being “fixed” often becomes an escape from the full spectrum of human emotion.

Man attempts to fix himself

There’s a phrase I hear constantly in my practice: “I just want to be fixed.” I understand the appeal. When you’re struggling with anxiety, depression, grief, or any form of emotional pain, the idea of being “fixed” sounds like relief. It sounds like peace. It sounds like finally, finally, you’ll stop feeling this way.

But here’s what I’ve learned after years of sitting with people in their most vulnerable moments: the pursuit of being “fixed” is often less about healing and more about escaping the discomfort of being human.

The Fantasy of Being “Fixed”

When we imagine ourselves as “fixed,” what are we really picturing? Usually, it’s some version of ourselves that feels calm, unbothered, consistently happy, or at least consistently neutral. We imagine a self that doesn’t get anxious before big presentations, doesn’t feel the sting of rejection, and doesn’t lie awake worrying about loved ones. We envision a self that doesn’t feel so much.

And there’s the problem. Being fully alive means feeling the full range of human emotions. Joy and grief. Excitement and anxiety. Love and fear. These aren’t bugs in the system; they’re features. They’re how we know we’re engaged with life, connected to others, and invested in outcomes that matter to us.

“Fixed” as Emotional Avoidance

The desire to be “fixed” becomes problematic when it’s really a sophisticated form of avoidance. Instead of learning to be with difficult emotions, we treat them as evidence that something is fundamentally broken. We search for solutions that will finally make us stop feeling: the right medication, the right therapist, the right self-help book, or the right mindfulness practice.

When we still feel anxious or sad afterward, we conclude that we’re not fixed yet. We think we need to try harder, do more, or find the real answer. But what if the feelings themselves aren’t the problem? What if the problem is our relationship with those feelings?

The Cost of Emotional Immunity

I sometimes ask clients: “If I could wave a magic wand and make it so you never felt anxious again, but it also meant you’d never feel excited or passionate about anything, would you take that deal?”

Most people, after thinking about it, say no. Because we intuitively understand that our capacity for pain and our capacity for joy are linked. The parent who can’t bear to feel the anxiety of their child taking risks is also limiting their child’s growth. The person who numbs their grief also numbs their ability to feel deep connection. The walls we build to keep out hurt also keep out intimacy, meaning, and aliveness.

What Healing Actually Looks Like

Real healing isn’t about eliminating difficult emotions. It’s about expanding our capacity to be with them. It’s about learning that you can feel anxious and take action anyway. That you can feel grief and still find moments of beauty. That you can be afraid and courageous at the same time.

It’s about understanding that emotions are temporary visitors, not permanent residents. They arise, peak, and pass if we let them. When we try to fix ourselves out of feeling them, we paradoxically trap them in place.

Healing looks like:

• Feeling your feelings without making them mean something is wrong with you.

• Developing tools to regulate your nervous system without demanding it never be activated.

• Building resilience through experience, not through avoidance.

• Accepting that being human means being vulnerable.

  
  

A Different Goal

So if the goal isn’t to be “fixed,” what is it?

Maybe it’s to become whole, which includes broken parts. Maybe it’s to develop flexibility rather than immunity. Maybe it’s to build a life rich with meaning, which necessarily includes pain alongside joy.

Perhaps it’s to stop treating your emotional life as a problem to be solved and start treating it as information to be understood. You can’t be fixed because you’re not broken. You’re a human being having a human experience, and that experience includes the full range of emotions—beautiful and terrible, wanted and unwanted, comfortable and challenging.

Embracing the Journey

In this journey of life, we often encounter challenges that test our resilience. It’s essential to remember that every emotion we experience contributes to our growth. Emotions are like waves; they rise and fall, but they never stay the same.

Instead of resisting these waves, we can learn to ride them. We can learn to navigate through the storms and appreciate the calm that follows. This journey is not about reaching a destination where we are “fixed.” It’s about embracing the ebb and flow of our emotional landscape.

The Power of Connection

One of the most powerful tools we have in this journey is connection. Sharing our experiences with others can lighten the load. When we talk about our feelings, we often find that we are not alone. Others have walked similar paths and can offer support and understanding.

Consider reaching out to someone you trust. Share your thoughts and feelings. You might be surprised at how liberating it can be to express what’s on your mind. It’s a reminder that we are all in this together, navigating the complexities of life.

Finding Meaning in Pain

Pain can often feel overwhelming, but it can also be a teacher. It can lead us to discover what truly matters to us. When we face our pain, we often find clarity. We learn about our values, our desires, and what we want to create in our lives.

Instead of viewing pain as something to avoid, we can see it as an opportunity for growth. What lessons can we learn from our struggles? How can we use our experiences to foster compassion for ourselves and others?

Conclusion: The Journey Continues

The question isn’t how to stop feeling. The question is: what becomes possible when you stop trying to? Embrace the journey of being human. Allow yourself to feel deeply, to connect with others, and to find meaning in every experience.

Remember, you are not broken. You are a beautiful tapestry woven from the threads of joy, sorrow, love, and fear. Each emotion adds depth to your story. So, let’s celebrate the full spectrum of our humanity together.

You are exactly where you need to be on this journey. And that’s not a problem.